Everything Everywhere All at Once

Everything Everywhere All at Once ★★★★★

I reviewed this when I first watched it, but I was too emotional. Film reviewing requires precise, unbiased, objective facts. This film is a cosmic gumbo of everything I could ever possibly find meaningful in a film. I will never forget the feelings I felt. I will never forget the tears I shed in front of everyone in the theater, and not caring at all what people thought of me. For the better half of this movie, I was a complete mess, emotion flooding out of me through tears and laughter, all the while being utterly fucking astounded that something could touch and inspire me to such great lengths. I was joking about the objective and unbiased thing because I'm crying right now writing this and there's absolutely no way for me to describe something that had this monumental effect on me without plunging into the deep end of emotions head first and coming to the surface as someone wholly new.
We can do whatever we want.
I've never cried in public because of anything that wasn't a panic attack, and those always end up with me wishing I was dead. Today, for probably over an hour, tears stung my eyes and dampened my cheeks, and afterwards, I was left with an overwhelming, enlightening feeling of love. I can say however much I want about empathy, caring, and resisting the temptations of nihilism as an escape. I can say how I know that life is worth living, and I know that it's hard, but it will get easier. I've said all of that so many times before. The sad truth is, I don't know if I've ever really believed it. I don't know if the times I convinced myself of it, forced myself to write it all down as some kind of therapy ever worked. I never believed it. I wrote things here, poured those words into my writing and my creative efforts, but it was bullshit. It was a farce. I couldn't force myself to be healthy, and to think healthy thoughts, so I stopped. For a few brief moments today, with a lot of tears and laughter, I did believe all of it. And those moments, those sparks, were at once, part of a larger flame. As I became aware of the lights turning on around me, I realized everyone could see me crying, and I didn't care.
We can be whoever we want.
I'm not normal. I'm not neurotypical. I'm not straight. I'm not cisgender. It hurts to be around my parents. It hurts to be around my friends, when I know, they don't know who I am. Maybe I don't even know. Maybe I've lied about that too. What I do know, or I did, when I left the theater, was that I was certain that I would know. I am certain that I will know. We have so much time to figure it all out, to find people who can know who we are, and for the people who don't know, to figure it out too. Right now, I'm a mess. I'm pathetic. But right now, it's okay. That's what this is about. It's about it being okay to not get everything, to not get anything. Yourself, your loved ones, the abuse you take, that bagel of nihilism that can so easily corrupt us all, and lead us to what seems like the only option, which is the final, permanent escape from the pain of misunderstanding, and I don't fucking understand. I don't know anything, but it is okay.
Whenever we want.
The movie is over. It has been over for a while, and I still believe in the little moments, where everything makes sense, being the motivation we need to get through all the chaos that reminds us nothing makes sense. The movie has been over for a while, the moment has come and passed, and yet, I still believe I'm not going to kill myself. It's been a few days now and I think about what I saw and wrote and the feelings of immense contentment with which I was left, and I am thankful. Genuinely, from the bottom of my heart, full of love and gratitude for this film's existence. There has not been a movie that has made me feel such an overpowering sensation of love for life and for myself. It's not easy being queer. It's not easy to do anything, but I know this movie isn't wrong, and I'm not wrong when I say that the thing that makes sense in a multiverse of shit that absolutely does not, is the love we can have for each other.
I am scared and exhausted yet for just a fraction of a moment, I feel all the pain and confusion and love all at once, and I get it. This cosmic gumbo is my favorite movie that I've seen.

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