So yer tellin’ me that “TITANIUM” got t’be a fuckin’ meme fer a bit coz she sings it a tiny bit but abs’lutly nobody woz fussed ’bout ‘er playin’ “TOY SOLIDERS” BY MARTIKA ON THE FUCKIN’ PIANO righ’ b’fore she goes fully fuckin’ mental? I mean thanks fer not spoiling it fer me coz I lost me fuckin’ mind when I heard it startin’ up but Jesus Fuckin’ Christ where’s ev’ryone’s sense’ve fuckin’ CULTURE gone, man?

This wozza lot’ve fuckin’ fun. It wastes zero fuckin’ time lettin’ ya know wot yer in fer cozzit starts up with an advert fer sum sort’ve Five Nights at Furbee’s nigh’mare that looks like ir came straigh’ from an’ ep’ve I Think Ya Should Leave. I’ve read sum things from people who weren’t int’a his who, like, seemed like they wanned a diff’ren’ flick from wot they got given, which’s fine, but like it’s like they had their hearts set onna thing they woz never tol’ they woz gonna have in the FIRS’ fuckin’ place. From frame fuckin’ one it tells ya where ya need t’set the dials in yer fuckin’ brain t’get the mos’ out’ve it, if ya can’t do that then thass fuckin’ on YOU. It’s lookin’ t’be the kind’ve silly camp nonsense thass act’uly pretty hard t’do ON PURPOSE annit doz better’n loads’ve other movies’ve dun. 

Which ain’t sayin’ there ain’t balls bein’ dropped all over the fuckin’ place coz there is. B’fore I watched it I weren’t swung onnit needin’ t’be gory t’be good coz this sort’ve plot don’t live an’ die on viscera, but now I’ve watched it, annit WOZ the cut that wen’ t’The Pictures, there’s so little blood it hones’ly gets fuckin’ DISTRACTIN’. Like, nevermin’ the kills, there’s a bit where a character gets slashed ‘cross the face with a pair’ve scissors, an’ then when we see ‘er face after it, she ain’t even got a TINY fuckin’ cut. Like I sed, don’t need chunks’ve brain drippin’ down the walls, but this’s gone too far THE OTHER FUCKIN’ WAY. I sort’ve get the feelin’ this woz lookin’ t’get the Horror Fer Kids/Mascot Horror crowd, an’ like thass fine annit even MAKES SENSE WITH THE PLOT but fer me it’s sittin’ too in the middle’ve two opp’sit fuckin’ extremes. OR they’ve dunnit t’try an’ go oldschool an’ sell Unra’ed Cut DVDs, which given it’s Jason Blum I can’t say that soun’s out’ve the fuckin’ question an’ I ain’t even gonna say I don’t respec’ the hustle. 

Also I’m jus’ gonna say it movie walks a VERY fine fuckin’ line with makin’ it seem like its character’ve got… ISSUES DEALIN’ WITH PEOPLE. Like, I geddit, they wannit t’be ‘bout tryin’a raise kids usin’ tech, it’s binna thing since B’FORE the fuckin’ iPad believe it or fuckin’ not, when I wozza kid “SCREEN TIME’ meant how much telly ya woz allowed to sit in fron’ve, an’ the bes’ way’ve doin’ thass havin’ a person jus’ not be very good at the parentin’ thing, but I fuckin’ swear t’ya I’ve never watched a film where I’m DIAGNOSIN’ ARSE’OLES WITH THINGS ev’ry other fuckin’ scene, they hit it SO fuckin’ hard I ain’t convinced it ain’t jus’ doin’ it fer fuckin’ COMEDY. A couple’ve times they woz DEF’NITLY goin’ fer laughs but I can’t d’cide if I’m ALWAYS s’posed t’be laughin’. If I AM then it didn’t fuckin’ work coz like I sed I woz more WORRIED ‘bout ‘em more’n I woz anythin’ fuckin’ else. But still I enjoyed meself an’ I get the feelin’ Blum’ouse act’uly made notes on wot people liked an’ wot they didn’t fer the nex’ one. Movie’s like the fuckin’ doll, it needed t’go thro a fuckin’ pro’otype stage.