Cinderella

Cinderella ★★

Remember how “Les Miserables” had actors singing live to camera? Some songs were better than others, but it was still a commendable feat. Yeah, this is not that. Not even close. At times, this sounds... bad. I almost started questioning if it was human voices I was hearing sometimes (I may exaggerate, but it wasn’t far off, they hit the autotune buttons HARD). If we forget about the horrific karaoke versions of legendary songs in this movie, I could probably be persuaded to give it three and a half or even four stars. The original songs were really good. Shame. And the supporting characters made this really enjoyable at times. I’ve really missed Minnie Driver. The story got a much needed upgrade for modern times and even if it wasn't surprising, it was still pretty well executed.

I neither like nor dislike James Corden, so that whole thing doesn’t move me one way or the other, but I looooved seeing Romesh Ranganathan, James Acaster and Rob Beckett in here. That’s some stellar casting right there.

But we can’t forget about the songs now, can we? When you start your movie with an atrocious mangling of my favorite Janet Jackson song, you’re not off to a great start. Then when you have the audacity to tackle a Queen classic with the Glee mixing board, you’ve started to piss me off for real. And I’m not even that much of a Queen fan. There are only a couple of their songs I love, but I still have enough respect for them to avoid singing those on karaoke night. I don’t care if you have Broadway legends in your cast, the cover songs didn’t get even a smidgen better for it. “Seven Nation Army”? Sorry White Stripes, it’s butchered now.

You might say I’m not the target audience for a Disney-ish (but surprisingly not Disney) movie, but I could theoretically have kids this was meant for and those hypothetical kids could possibly fall in love with these songs, and then I, the hypothetical mom in this scenario, would feel obligated to introduce my hypothetical son and/or daughter to Madonna at a way too young age, risking them going online to find out more and finding out WAAAAY too much about too many things after that. Or maybe “Erotica” isn’t as scandalous as it was back in the day. All that doesn’t even include them googling Janet Jackson and learning about how unfair the world is when it comes to intentional nip slips and whether or not a certain male artist got off pretty much scot free and how unfair/sexist that might be. I noticed they only did the first verse of “Whatta Man”, but when my kids found the original, I’d look forward to hearing questions like “Mom, what does “open like a seven-eleven” refer to?”. So congratulations, now my kids have been forced to grow up too soon and their innocent childhood is lost forever. And sure, it’s PG, but it’s streaming on Amazon Prime, so you know that even if I don’t let my kids see it, they’ll see it at a friend’s house because those parents have no clue what’s going on in this “innocent” Cinderella story.

Basically, what I’m saying is: You’re lucky you’re getting two stars, movie.

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