Blonde ½

I didn't want to hate this. I knew I would have at least some problems with it because it's based on fiction more than fact (a novel), but wow, I did not expect this to be so bad and without a single redeeming quality.

The lenses used are perhaps the most un-cinematic I've seen, especially for the 4:3 close-ups. The scenes with these lenses would not look good on the big screen on an any screen. The shifts between 4:3 and widescreen are both lazy and insulting. Throughout the course of the film, it goes through about every aspect ratio imaginable (thankfully no portrait mode). The camerawork is terrible, utilizing about every bad way to use the camera imaginable. You can bet your ass even the vlogger-style selfie view is used. Several times! Of course add tons of putrescent yellow lighting whenever it decides to not be black and white. You might think there's some sort of formula for why a scene is in black and white versus color, such as a dream sequence or thinking of the past, but there doesn't seem to be any. It feels random rather than a conscious, arbitrary decision.

Pretty much all the acting is terrible, with the exception from Ana de Armas, but I wouldn't call her performance great, let alone good. She tries her best and you can tell, but no amount of skill could help elevate this film. Although I don't expect absolute perfection, her accent spills through many times, far more often than it should have. We know this film isn't trying to be historically accurate, aside from showing some older automobiles, so that's also why every other character sounds like they're from the present.

Not only is this a complete mess, but it's a mess that keeps getting worse and goes on forever. It's like when someone tries to fix a leak but ends up making the leak even worse but also breaking everything else in the process. As a huge proponent for long films (especially over 3 hours), this needed some major cuts.

Other thoughts:
・was that the bear from Dildo Heaven?

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