• Underwater

    Underwater

    first thing tj miller (🤢) says to kristen stewart (😍) after she rescues him is “you sweet, flat-chested elven creature.” tapped out at that point to play chess.com on my phone for the remaining 80 minutes

  • The Queen's Gambit

    The Queen's Gambit

    ★★★½

    an unexpectedly edgy, introspective exploration of female desire and obsession wrapped up in the guise of a straight-laced chess drama (once you get past the lifeless-but-necessary first episode). all bisexual girl geniuses know how to do is smoke weed, pwn boys at chess, doink french models, unhealthily cope with childhood trauma, and lie

  • Ice Age

    Ice Age

    body count in the 2002 animated children’s film Ice Age: 23 😰

  • Little Ashes

    Little Ashes

    ★★½

    The Official ROBsessed Thirst-Watching Guide

    CHAPTER 1: LITTLE ASHES (2008)
    the spanish government funded this movie in which robert pattinson as salvador dali (?!) jacks off on the floor while making eye contract with his crush, the poet federico garcía lorca, as lorca is mid-coital with a woman. why can't US propaganda be more like THIS

    THIRST WATCH RANKING:
    ✮ ✮ ✮ ✮ ✩ -- definitely an important watch for the ROBsessed, especially considering it came out the same year…

  • American Dreamz

    American Dreamz

    ★★

    Bad when watched at age 14 with No understanding of bush era politics, Worse when watched at age 24 with Yes understanding of bush era politics :/ but dennis quaid as bush and willem dafoe as dick cheney?!?! that’s Good!!!!!!

  • When Harry Met Sally...

    When Harry Met Sally...

    ★★★★★

    this is a psychological thriller. no, it’s psychological WARFARE

  • The Dictator

    The Dictator

    the live-action king julien movie not as awesome as it sounds :(

  • Catch Me If You Can

    Catch Me If You Can

    ★★★★

    The Wolf Pup of AWOL Street* :)

    *it took me several hours of tossing and turning and toiling in the middle of the night to come up with these 6 words. don’t ask me what or where AWOL Street is because i don’t know

  • It Happened One Night

    It Happened One Night

    ★★★★

    can someone explain in a non-annoying way why in 1934 it cost $2.60 to send a telegram but only $2 for a night in a hotel?

  • Two Weeks Notice

    Two Weeks Notice

    ★★★½

    not me and the girlies putting this top-tier hugh grant rom-com on to distract ourselves from election stress only for trump himself to cameo 😔 stay away from hugh GET A JOB

  • Brüno

    Brüno

    ★★

    if election night doesn’t kill me, then this sacha baron cohen thirst-rewatch marathon will 🤒

  • Shrek

    Shrek

    ★★★★½

    (screened in black & white with french dubbing)

    so lucky to catch this ultra rare print of French New Wave Shrek! it’s so obvious that the directors intended the film to be shot in 35mm, in B&W, and on location in an actual swamp for added realism. the vastly inferior color version adhered too strictly to traditional form, but the B&W challenges the standard by intentionally confusing and boring its intended audience of children.
    meanwhile, the french dialect injects a melancholy sorely…