The Beastmaster

The Beastmaster ★★★★

It was 36 years ago TODAY, three moons eclipsed above the earth and a bolt of lightning shat forth from the night sky, touching a small town in Canada and leaving a burnt stain on the planet of a human being... IT IS I! I WAS BORN ON THIS DAY!

And now on my birthday I am commencing with an arduous movie marathon, one that will test not only my own wits and patience, but that of my fiancé who is already melting slightly from this first pick:

the B.E.A.S.T.M.A.S.T.E.R.

Don Coscarelli's swords and sandals epic is ambition in full bloom, stretching its modest 5 million budget till it covers the whole galaxy in shards of wacky brilliance!

Marc Singer is Dar, the Beastmaster, born inside the belly of a cow and raised by a tribe of very chill people. His tribe is massacred by the evil Rip Torn, so Dar swears vengeance, and using his magic ability to consult with animals, he's now on a frothy quest of fantastical antics! Calamity Awaits!

This is such a great fucking time, Coscarelli leans on the gas pedal and never lets up with spectacle after spectacle. Boring? NEVER!
It's a credit to his previous masterpiece, Phantasm, that the dude really knew how to turn small money into fountains of grandeur, setting his imagination on fire and letting it run across this desert locale movie set to create the mainstream fantasy epic of his dreams.

And while this a wonderfully bombastic 2 hours, you can also see how it fits nicely into Vinegar Syndrome's repertoire: Marc Singer as Dar is a total weird-faced doofus, copping the sleazy mindset of Reggie but without any of his skulleted charm. John Amos would've actually been a better fit as he upstaged Singer in just about every scene. Oh well. Singer is a part of this goofy ramshackle universe just as he is a part of the metallic gnarled out landscape that Coscarelli blends so perfectly here. This is really the best of both worlds, don't take it too seriously, just press play and let it evaporate into your eyeballs and mystify your skull!

I would say this is like Vinegar Syndrome's Lord of the Rings-esque release and then I would throw a handful of glitter and dust at the ground and vanish into the night sky just after saying it.
You Can Quote Me On That! The Beastmaster Slays!

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