rating movies by whether or not jason schwartzman fucks in them

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  • Dirty Dancing

    Dirty Dancing


    Ever since Ghost I will just assume Patrick Swayze is a ghost until proven otherwise

  • Escape from Tomorrow

    Escape from Tomorrow


    As a teenager I wrote a 350,000 word Vampire Diaries fanfic and one of the chapters was set in Disneyland using spooky facts I found on Al Gore's internet like the America Sings death and the Matterhorn decapitation and really working off the technicality that people have to be carried outside the park to be pronounced dead. Anyway my writing career isn't going so great but watching this and realizing Randy Moore got to Sundance with zero knowledge entry-level Disney urban legends made me realize you can do anything if you're some disgusting-looking dude in a cardigan. Also this movie is bad.

Popular reviews

  • High School Musical 3: Senior Year

    High School Musical 3: Senior Year


    Gabriella and her mom sold their house mere days before the housing bubble burst, leading me to believe Gabriella's mom was one of the whistleblower economists and that's why she was always moving around

  • Tenet


    Guy in front of me on the plane watched with headphones and arabic subtitles but I think I got it!! I didn't like it