The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies

The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies ★★½

The world is changed. I feel it in the water. I feel it in the earth. I smell it in the funky air of my local HFR theatre.

Much that once was is lost, for no director now lives who remembers its subtle epicness.

It began with the forging of The Lord of the Rings trilogy and the great feels that followed.

Three feels were given to the Elves; immortal, wisest and fairest of all beings.

Seven to the Dwarf Lords, great miners and craftsmen of the mountain halls.

And nine, nine feels were gifted to the Race of Men, who above all else desire a dark and well-made fantasy saga.

But they were all of them deceived, for another trilogy was made.

In the land of Mordor, in the fires of Mount Doom, the Dark Lord Peter Jackson forged, in secret, a disappointing prequel trilogy to humiliate all others.

And into this trilogy he poured his cheese, his slapstick and his will to dominate every frame with plot filler, excessive CGI and a tacked-on love story between two underdeveloped characters.

One trilogy to defile them all. One trilogy to find them. One trilogy to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.

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