• Shortcomings


    No clue what to rate this.

    So much I loved,

    So much I loathed,

    But how much was I supposed to love?

    How much was I supposed to loathe?

    The most human romcom I've ever seen,

    Which makes for the worst romcom,

    I've ever seen.

    And yet?

    There's something here,

    No matter how muddied.

    I can't rate it,

    And yet, I did still like it.

  • Bar Fight

    Bar Fight


    Melissa Fumero and Rachel Bloom's characters are literally just a couple of unrepentant cunts. No, not strong, or determined, or no-nonsense. Just cunts. Complete and utter fucking assholes. Mean for the sake of being mean. Impossible to enjoy when two people are just acting like psycho dipshits for no goddamn reason. Pointless for the sake of the screenplay, and painful for the sake of viewing. Infuriating given that I really enjoy both those actors' work otherwise. Feels so unnecessarily mean and it kills enjoyment.

  • Plus One

    Plus One


    Jack Quaid's (nepobaby) character is the most obnoxious, petty, type-A, moron, idiot I've ever seen. Wtf is wrong with this man. Otherwise, fire romcom. It's not that his character is an asshole, he just sucks.

    He acts like no human ever would. Which is always the greatest sin that a screenplay can inflict.

  • The Kingdom of the Fairies

    The Kingdom of the Fairies


    I wanted to see if this was still hella good while I did a bunch of whip-its.

    Conclusion! It's even better.

    Accompanying music was by the Bavaria Center for Fine Arts or something like that. Free on the ol' youtube.

  • The Retirement Plan

    The Retirement Plan


    Man, glad I didn't check the LB average for this before watching. I liked it! But I seem to like just about anything Cage is doing these days. [see: my opinions of Prisoners of the Ghostland, Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent, and Willy's Wonderland]

    Really checks all the boxes for a successful action/comedy venture. Not that it isn't without flaws. Especially the weird, shitty, cgi sequences that randomly are tossed in for no real reason. The mom character has…

  • 22 Jump Street

    22 Jump Street


    So much of the humor and charm of the original is lost here. It has echoes of a better movie, and a few enjoyable sequences thanks to my man Cube, but not much else.

    They try, to some degree, to assuage criticism for the derivative plot and massive suspension of disbelief through self-deprecation; they did this same shtick (successfully (for the most part)) in the previous installment, 21 Jump Street, but sadly feels like too much old hat here. Not entirely bad, but entirely too tired.

  • Terror by Night

    Terror by Night


    Paced like garbage, too much dialogue, and the print I watched was hella washed out. Blinding whites and blending messes of black. Crisp b&w was my intention, this is what I got. Would've been a ½star lower but the runtime was a merciful 55min, so that's a bonus I guess.

  • The Inspector General

    The Inspector General


    Third Danny Kaye film I've watched now... god, his style of humor has been objectively obliterated by the passage of time: obnoxious bits, fake little tics, rapid fire nonsense sounds to fill space, and shitty novelty songs. Not to mention his character is too much of a buffoon for you to really care about him or his arc. Not that he's just goofy or naive or whatever; he's just fucking dumb. Who cares!

    Not to mention the bizarre setting…

  • The Magnetic Monster

    The Magnetic Monster


    Offensively, confrontationally, confusingly, pointlessly, and entirely BORING. There's enough unconnected interesting bits (meditations on nuclear technologies come to mind) that one could have created a better movie, but alas.

    I feel like these 50s scifi/monster features would all greatly benefit from paring down their runtimes by like, 30min. So much wasted time on plodding scenes and overwritten dialogue. Half the scenes are just actors chewing the scenery and not doing much to advance any semblance of a plot. Like,…

  • Alita: Battle Angel

    Alita: Battle Angel


    Awful, kinda hated it. That end credits song, yikes.

    Every instinct from Rodriguez felt misplaced here. Just looks and feels like a fake movie playing in the background of a bottom-tier Tarantino feature.

  • Gran Turismo

    Gran Turismo


    A movie about g_mers, by g_mers, for g_mers. Viva la g_merevolution.
    But, to be serious now about this g_mer movie, it looks slick as hell and is just a fun ride. The dialogue can be pretty AI-generated at points, and I'm also—still—unconvinced that you can make a movie about video games without it feeling, at the very least, a bit cringy and contrived. The amount of times characters say, "you can't reset in REAL LIFE," was…

  • Feast of the Seven Fishes

    Feast of the Seven Fishes


    Wildly good Christmas romcom. Shocked how much I enjoyed this. Quaint, intimate, funny, and lots of heart. One of those genre films that remind you how good that genre can be. A little irked that I've never been invited to some nice cute boy's Italian family Christmas eve fish feast 😤