BPM (Beats per Minute) ★★★★½

tonight i had three epiphanies. you may not want to hear about them, but alas, i'm about to tell you anyway.

the first one is that french women are just god-tier creatures, man. it's like The Creator or whoever lives up there in the universe handmade each and every one of them with so much dedication and precision that they ran out of time and just rushed making the other human beings. but you probably already knew that, so i'll move on.

i'm a very unenthusiastic person. that's my second epiphany. i like a lot of things, like music or books or photography, but i don't really love them, you know? i love films but i don't really want to be a filmmaker. i love writing but most of the time i have nothing of substance to say (my mom noticed that i learned to write at a very young age and when i was nine she suggested i take up journalism for college. i told her i never know what to write about, so she joked i take up handwriting instead). the passion i feel for the things i like doing feels more like an adrenaline rush - sudden, sharp, strong, temporary. i took that test they make you do in school where they psychoanalyze the best career track for you, and my results showed that i'm not really interested in anything. so this is more like a rediscovery than an epiphany, but it's revelatory nonetheless.

right now i'm on my way to med school. i go to a specialized health sciences high school, wear an all-white uniform and everything. i wanted to be a doctor when i was little so now that i've grown i just went with what i used to want. so far it's okay. my desire to go to med school is very fickle - some days i'm all "bITCJ MOVE OUT OF THE WAY I'M A DOCTOR LET ME AUSCULTATE YOUR ANTERIOR CHEST" but some days i can't find the energy to get out of bed and attend my 7 am public health class. i know it's risky, going for a field that's so intensive and mentally draining and time-consuming when i only half-heartedly want it -

but then i watch movies like this, movies that aren't really movies as much as they are doors - for 140 minutes i was taken to the streets of paris in the early 90s, to an organization's harshly lit meeting room, to bloodied pharmaceutical offices, to a somber hospital room. and sure most times it seems so boring to study the parts of the eye or memorize the levels of healthcare facilities in the community, but for the first time since i hesitantly made my way to med school, i felt like the work i do, and will do, matters. i will touch actual lives. i will heal them. i will spend the rest of my life being of service to others, people like sean and marcus and sophie and thibault. that's my third epiphany - i was so focused on finding myself that i didn't realize what i was looking for wasn't in me. it was in everybody else.

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