Christmas Evil

Christmas Evil ★★★★

Oh, my, this was a lot better than I thought it would be. I spied the name of it on a list of the "worst Christmas movies of all time," and yeah, I'm up for that. But, it was really entertaining, more of a psychological thriller than a slasher flick. I never thought I'd get to see one version of Santa eating pussy, and another getting chased by a torch-wielding mob in the same film.

Young Harry Stadling witnessed his mom and Santa (presumably his dad in an excellent costume) getting a little bit frisky in the living room one Christmas Eve, and when he grew up he decided to make sure to keep track of the neighborhood boys and girls and their naughty and nice deeds. He sleeps in a Santa Claus outfit, has his room decorated with Santa-related artwork, listens to Christmas music nonstop, and even works at a toy factory. He spies on the neighbor kids, making his lists of good and bad in fine leather-bound journals. One kid is seen taking out the trash for his parents. He's good. Another is ogling a "Penthouse" magazine, so he's bad. The good kids will receive gifts from Harry, while that bad kid, named Moss, will receive a bag of coal (maybe just dirt, it was hard to tell). So far, so psychotic. Harry's a little bit wacky, a little too into judging others, but he also believes in rewarding people when they do good, positive things. He has virtually no relationships with anyone. He gets along OK with the people at the factory, and his brother and sister-in-law clearly wish he'd get out more, or even visit them more, but it's asking too much. He can't have relationships; but Santa can. When he's at home watching the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade, he gets really excited at the announcement that Santa's float is approaching. I seriously expected him to start masturbating. It almost seems like it would've been an appropriate response. He makes up some excuse to not go to his brother's house for dinner, so he can ogle Santa on the TV.

He makes lots of toys, like really puts a lot of work and care into these creations, so much better than the easily breakable plastic shit his factory produces. He wants children to have a better Christmas than he did, that one time. Then he starts killing, on Christmas Eve. He attacks a snooty coworker after church, stabbing him through the eye with a toy soldier's bayonet. It's pretty amazing. Two bystanders also get stabbed. A whole congregation stands on the stairs watching in horror. Then he tries to suffocate another coworker, Frank, who forced Harry to take his late night shift at the factory, and laughed about it later, using the bag of toys, but it's not working. Necessity being the mother of invention, Harry takes the metal star off the top of Frank's tree, and slices open his jugular. Ouch! On the same evening, he manages to get invited into a party, where he polka-dances with kids and adults alike, and delivers a strange speech about being good, or punishments will be doled out.

I was really sort of captivated throughout, enjoying interesting little touches here and there, like how Harry was constantly humming Christmas carols, and how they'd reflect his mood. There's very little dialogue, just a lot of Harry making noises, reacting to things, etc. This was pretty damn great. It's not quite the Santa robot from "Futurama," who judged everyone to be naughty and killed or injured them as warranted, but it's close. So be good for goodness' sake, I think I might have a new favorite Xmas movie!!

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