Rawhead Rex

Rawhead Rex ★★

| The short version: Welcome to this special episode of Flaming Laser Eye For A Straight Guy. Meet Rawhead Rex, he has all the gutter glamor of a surplus Lordi band member and answers to a name one could only attribute to a gay dino dominatirx (don’t google that). He enjoys; leather, watersports, firm handshakes and men in uniform. When he's not doing (you with) his nails, he's either cruising in the forest, shredding your spouse or radically rearranging your interior.
His reaction to women raises the suspicion he's trying to pass for a platinum leather muscle daddy.

| The slightly less short version: We open with a Marlborro add and cut to a trio of penis envy aggravated agrarians. The threesome is having a hard time trying to dislodge a massive pillar of manly masonry (Think Goop but bigger ). This monumental act of pulling out triggers the resurfacing of the titular creature who is seen introducing itself by doing a little sans Queen (music) Highlander victory dance.
There’s a bit of an awkward puzzle which involves an acid trip church altar, stained window collage, quite a confusing home invasion scene (a woman is seen fleeing her kitchen into yet another kitchen(?)), sir Rex stripping a lady nude, even after it’s been established he’s not really into dames, two born again Rawhead neophytes (also don’t google that), tremendous trailer park trashing, bloody 69ing in the dark woods, and terrible parenting by a pair that will surely win every prize for wearing the world’s most worst looking knitwear (I mean each sweater looks worse than the previous one, this was undeniably a deliberate choice and the most horrific part of the film).

Fortunately, our protagonist is a connoisseur of all things chiseled (and cleaved with ample cleavage). with a specific interest in taking pics of voluptuous rocky lady bits. Convenient, as the local demonic-pagan-god-king thing can only be vanquished by using specific ceramic lady lumps and on the condition it is correctly (woman)handled when Rex is flashed a magic blue waffle.
It looks like the actor/stuntman in the suit was (mostly) blind as Rex is often seen flailing about and has a surprisingly stiff neck (maybe that’s why he seems so cranky?) rendering most of his attacks more humorous looking than intimidating.

| Verdict: Half star deduction for crimes against cameras, canceled by a half star addition on account of Rex being a terribly fussy art critic when slashing the kitchy Jesus paintings in the priest’s abode.
The creature looks underwhelming to the extent it nearly flirts with genre parody. -Rex felt rather dreary and stale, rather than raw.

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